More and more often lately, I think about selling and giving away everything of mine that won't fit in my car, except my photographs and a few other valuables-to-me which I would have to store, and just driving around the country for a while, seeing both familiar places and parts that our family vacations never visited. Wandering over to Europe would be a corollary to this idea. I'd need to finish paying off my student loans first. I might also need a laptop, though not necessarily. Paper notebooks and internet cafes could do as well. Cancel all monthly bills except probably my mobile phone.

I'd need to have income from somewhere. Whenever I figure that out, I think the streamlining process will begin.

No, not quite. It would be much more fun if I had someone to come with me. In fact, it's the other necessary piece of the puzzle of my unease. Lost, still lost as yet, in the darkness outside the reach of my lantern. Sometimes I think I see movement in the flickering shadows, but it's so hard to see clearly.

I feel like I repeat myself here, in this journal, saying certain things over again. perhaps I shall take a small vacation from writing here sometime soon. uncomfortable. restless. thinking too much. and yet spouting off without thinking enough. who am i? what do i want? why?

don't think. just be. quiet. relax.

and then I return to my daily life, and notice: it is a sunny day (or a cloudy day, or a day of weather). I have friends, and have recently met new ones. I like my job; I have opportunities to create other new paths for myself that could be interesting and exciting. check out this moment, it is fun and to be lived in!

so the broody bits retreat into wherever they retreat to, to wait until the next time I'm short of sleep.

copyright 2003 carrie lynn king.